Captain Midnight here in the studio ready to give my first Ted Talk.
I’ve sent Himself and Hedda off to Shetland for the week so I can get some peace and quiet to compose my talk. I must say, it was very kind of you humans to create a whole media channel to celebrate my wit and wisdom and I shall endeavour not to disappoint my many fans.
“Talk about what you know,” the producer advised, so I thought I’d start the ball rolling (oops, there it goes… must chase… must run… must fetch… got it… that’s better) with a subject close to my heart: How to be Happy.
We super-dogs are very good at being happy and at spreading happiness. It’s not difficult once you get the hang of it. I’m going to share my top ten tips with you, absolutely free of charge (although treats are always welcome).
- House train your humans from an early age, as it’s very embarrassing if they do their business in the street. Also, if they are properly trained you don’t have to follow them around the house with poo bags.
- Never pass up the chance to lie down in muddy puddles or to swim in rivers, lakes, ponds etc. Your human will pull you out if the bank is too steep for you to get back up. Stay close when you shake yourself dry. They like that.
- Opinions are divided on this one but I recommend that you allow your humans to share your bed. It makes them feel loved and secure. You can easily prevent unwanted hanky-panky by lying between them.
- Humans have very little sense of smell. This is why it’s important to roll in pungent things like fox poo and dead birds to help them detect your presence from afar. They appreciate little kindnesses like this.
- Snooze whenever possible as you never know when your humans will want to exercise themselves with a riotous game of tug-of-war or ball-chucking. My best places for snoozing are: the window seat in the kitchen; the sitting room sofa; and the upstairs landing.
- Always bark furiously at postmen to scare them away. If they get through your first line of defence, grab the letters out of their hand as they push them through the letterbox and chew them. It’s your sacred duty to wage war on the Royal Mail.
- When out in the car, make a beeline for the passenger seat as this encourages human passengers to sit in the back. If that fails, look appealing and jump onto their lap to make sure you still get a good view.
- Try teaching your human a few tricks. It’s fun for you and it’s good for their physical and mental agility. A favourite of mine is to stand on my hind legs and twirl around until a treat is proffered. It never fails to amuse me.
- Wag mightily whenever your human hoves into view. They always seem to enjoy seeing a good wag and it’s well known that wagging releases doggy endorphins that make us feel good too.
- Lastly, choose a “rescue human” like I did, if you get the chance. They sometimes have behavioural difficulties and they’re usually a bit more effort. But they are very rewarding and make lovely pets.
Humans have a tendency to overcomplicate things and make themselves sad, which is where we come in. Regular practice of my top ten tips is guaranteed to bring joy both to dogs and humans (except postmen and they don’t count).
And there you have it; I hope you enjoyed my first Ted Talk.
Coming Soon: Sticks, Stones, and Buried Bones.
Bye for now.