Thursday 3 December
It’s the first anniversary of Chris’s death. Memories of her are so vivid that it’s hard to believe a year has gone by since her passing.
Two days ago I took my desolation and grief at losing her into a constellation facilitated by Judith Hemming. When it began, I felt I had to choose between life and love (between loving her and going on living). When it ended, I’d moved to a place of knowing that I will always love her and that, with her blessing, I am available for life once more. Thinking of her right now makes me smile, not weep.
Today I remember Chris with joy and gratitude for the years we spent together and the love we shared. I think of the huge contribution she made to so many lives and I’m surrounded by the loving kindness of our friends and by glorious manifestations of her artful life: paintings, sketchbooks, notebooks, scholarly articles, clothes, hats, recipes, and bears, bears, bears.
I’ve chosen a picture and some music to remember her by on this day. The picture shows her in glorious wild-woman-artist mode, on a painting course at Esalen, California a few years ago. The music is Leonard Cohen’s Here it is which we played at her funeral service, as we wrote and doodled messages on her cardboard coffin. As the chorus says:
May everyone live,
And may everyone die.
Hello, my love,
And my love, Goodbye.
Fare thee well, darling girl.