Coming Home to Story

Captain Midnight here. Or is it?

You already know that I generally hide my super-dog persona in the guise of harmless pet Teddy and that I sneak out when Himself is otherwise engaged, to save the world as Captain Midnight?

Of course you do.

However, it seems that there is a Bad Dog who looks just like me and goes by the name of Mister Woo. I can understand why a dog would want to look like me but it’s doing nothing for my reputation. So I’d like to point out that even though you never see us in the same room together, he’s not me. He’s a different dog altogether.

He’s bad. He’s very bad. He makes Ernst Blofeld look like a pussy cat.

Mind you, Himself seems to find my discomfiture funny. He even wrote a so-called poem about my allegedly Woo-like tendencies when I was a puppy. I begged him not to publish it but he’s so pleased with himself that he wouldn’t listen. Which is why I’ve instructed my lawyers to sue for defamation of character.

We’ve got a brand-new puppy dog,
His given name is Ted.
He likes to eat and play all day
And snuggle up in bed.

He woofs and wags his happy tail,
He licks his furry feet.
When there’s a morsel to be found
He sits up for a treat.

Yet there’s another side to him,
It saddens me to tell.
For twice a day he turns into
The puppy dog from hell.

He’s got an evil doggy twin
Whose name is Mister Woo
And all the things that Teddy don’t,
That Mister Woo do do.

He chews your hand and bites your bum,
He nibbles on your toes.
He elbows in and steals your food,
He wrestles with your clothes.

He lies down when you want to walk
And then although you beg,
He gets a little boner on
And humps your neighbour’s leg.

O Mister Woo is not a dog
You’d really want to stay.
But when you think he’s here for life
That’s when he goes away

And back comes little angel Ted
Who never makes a fuss.
A schizophrenic Cockerpoo,
He’s just the dog for us.