Coming Home to Story

Captain Midnight here with Beyoncé the Bassett Hound and Roxy the er… Roxy Hound.

We had a great afternoon at the exclusive Waggytails Country Club on Thursday, but to put Jay-Z’s mind at rest, I’d like to scotch the rumours currently flying around social media that Beyoncé and I are having an affair. I can’t deny that she was attracted to me (she’s only canine) but I promised Himself that I wouldn’t abandon him for some trophy W.A.G. and I’m a dog of my word.

My lawyer Sir Rufus Mutt QC has already issued a statement on my behalf explaining that Beyoncé and I are just ‘good friends’ and demanding that the paw-parazzi stop dogging our footsteps. Even so, the following picture was published today in the Kennel Club Gazette under the deliberately suggestive headline:

CAPTAIN MIDNIGHT AND BEYONCÉ RUN FROM THE CAMERA

I have this to say.

1. It’s not us in the picture
2. It wasn’t my fault, she chased me
3. It was just a platonic gambol
4. Yes, Beyoncé has a great ass
5. Celebrities deserve a private life too

Let’s put an end to this kind of outrageous press intrusion.

Write to your local MP today!