Coming Home to Story

Captain Midnight here reporting from a plague-infested Folly Cottage.

Himself has been in self-imposed quarantine for the past week. He’s got some sort of bug which may or may not be a common cold. I understand from overheard telephone conversations with anyone who will listen, that few men (and probably no women) have ever suffered such grave symptoms.

Headaches have been mentioned; a sore throat; chesty cough; aching joints; blocked sinuses; and general exhaustion. You’ll notice that loss of appetite doesn’t appear in the list. Feed a cold, starve a fever, he told me last night, shovelling spareribs and roast vegetables down his neck.

He’s quaffing Lemsip and Linctus like they’re going out of fashion, snorting Olbas Oil and slathering his body with Vicks. I’m not sure what all this is supposed to achieve apart from making him smell worse than he already does. So, I’m trying to do my job of companion-in-chief whilst staying upwind… he doesn’t make things easy for me, does he?

I’ve explained that a stiff run across the fields would do us both good. He agreed in principle but still lolls around in bed all day apart from a couple of short walks up the road and back. I wonder if he’s as bored as I am?

He’s still coughing and spluttering, so I fear we’re not out of the woods yet.

I shall stand by my man, of course.

But what a Wimp!

But only to go for a walk. He’ll be back soon!

Captain Midnight here with news of the far-flung traveller.

This is Elvis, my Middle-Eastern cousin, the latest addition to the extended family. Himself is in Dubai at the moment with his daughters, and their new pet, disporting himself under the winter sun while I’m stuck in Blighty, albeit with the lovely, roast chicken providing, Jan and Dave (whom Allah preserve).

Despite being an English Bulldog, Elvis was born in Dubai. Technically, he can formally apply to become an Emirati citizen in 30 years time. Sadly dogs are decreed to be haram in the Koran and therefore considered anti-Islamic, so I don’t fancy his chances.

Personally – and please don’t pass this on to Himself, who seems to be entranced by the heavy jowls and undershot jaw ­– my concern is more fundamental. Elvis is (dare I say it) a cat lover. Don’t take my word for it… I have photographic proof.

Nuff said?

Dogs of the world unite. You have nothing to lose but your chains!

We’ve tried reasoning but they won’t listen. Direct action is the only option left. Take to the streets. Man the barricades. Pee on every lamppost. Exert your democratic freedom to protest.

What do we want?

 Chicken…

 When do we want it?

 Twice a day on our biscuits instead of tasty toppers…

Our demand is clear and unequivocal. If the neo-liberal economy can’t deliver chicken twice daily then I say down with the fat cat capitalists and their (excuse the phrase fellow canines) running dog lackeys.

I’m not sure what Himself has to protest about. His life looks pretty good to me. He calls it work, but I wouldn’t mind whizzing round Europe, eating fancy meals in posh restaurants, getting paid to talk to people. Hang on a minute, I’ll ask him why he has also donned le gilet jaune.

So we can be seen when go out for late night walks…!?

Oops, that’s a bit embarrassing. When you said ‘demonstration’ I didn’t know you meant a road safety demonstration. I thought…

Well, never mind. We’re here now.

What do we want?

 Chicken…

 When do we want it?

 Twice a day on our biscuits instead of tasty toppers…

They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

Himself still tries to go round the other side of the lamppost when he’s out on the lead; he still thinks he can have roast chicken without giving half of it to me; and he still keeps chucking balls all over the place after I bring them back to him. Nothing new there… but recently he’s demonstrated yet another proverbial failure to learn.

He can’t even lick his own nose!

It’s in the middle of his face just like mine. Extend the tongue and let it glide over the upper lip to the nostrils. How hard can it be? I showed him exactly what to do, but he complained that his wouldn’t reach, which is surprising considering how much he likes the sound of his own tongue wagging.

I suppose it could just be a physiological deficiency (of which humans have many) but I’m inclined to think that advancing years have diminished his capacity for learning of any kind. Even so, I’m not ready to give up yet and have booked us onto a Train Your Human evening class.

The instructor has recommended that I invest in some training treats. I’ve noticed that Himself will do almost anything for a glass of good single malt whisky but I’m going to stick to cubes of dried liver, ox hide chews and venison flavoured biscuits because that’s the kind of stuff he tries to win me over with when he wants me to do something new.

What’s good for the goose…

Photographs courtesy of Maaike Verhoeven

Captain Midnight here with a bit of a conundrum.

Himself and I have an arrangement, or so I thought. He’s constantly surrounded by what he calls Very Important Papers. They are everywhere: lists of things-to-do; notes-to-self; bits of so-called poetry; stories and manuscripts; official looking letters in brown envelopes. I never touch any of them – as long as they are lying down on a flat surface.

On the other hand…

Paper that has been scrunched up is another matter. Himself obviously doesn’t want it anymore so, to maintain proper standards of data security, I generally shred it for him. I can’t say that he ever shows much gratitude for my efforts in this department but yesterday he was actually quite cross with me, even though all I had done was shred a small piece of crumpled paper that fell off the desk.

“It’s money,” he said. “You don’t chew money wherever you find it..”

“What’s money?” I asked.

“It’s a promise to give something of a certain value,” he said.

“You mean like a promise that you are going to give me chicken to eat?”

“Yes, something like that.”

“It can’t be worth much then,” I said. “Because when you promise me chicken, it doesn’t always appear in my bowl.”

For some reason Himself didn’t seem to appreciate the niceties of my argument. Instead, he gathered up the soggy remains and waved them under my nose.

“10 Euros!” he said. “I could have got a half-decent bottle of wine with that.”

I decided to look away and say nothing. Never tell the filth anything is my motto. Without a confession, he’d be hard-pressed to actually prove it was me.

“You’re lucky it’s not a British banknote,” he said. “You could go to prison for defacing Her Majesty’s currency.”

It seemed unwise to point out that Section 12 of the Currency and Banknotes Act of 1928 defines defacing as “to print, stamp or by any like means impress words, letters or figures upon a banknote” and that chewing clearly doesn’t fall within that definition.

I’m saving that one for next time.

Captain Midnight here with Beyoncé the Bassett Hound and Roxy the er… Roxy Hound.

We had a great afternoon at the exclusive Waggytails Country Club on Thursday, but to put Jay-Z’s mind at rest, I’d like to scotch the rumours currently flying around social media that Beyoncé and I are having an affair. I can’t deny that she was attracted to me (she’s only canine) but I promised Himself that I wouldn’t abandon him for some trophy W.A.G. and I’m a dog of my word.

My lawyer Sir Rufus Mutt QC has already issued a statement on my behalf explaining that Beyoncé and I are just ‘good friends’ and demanding that the paw-parazzi stop dogging our footsteps. Even so, the following picture was published today in the Kennel Club Gazette under the deliberately suggestive headline:

CAPTAIN MIDNIGHT AND BEYONCÉ RUN FROM THE CAMERA

I have this to say.

1. It’s not us in the picture
2. It wasn’t my fault, she chased me
3. It was just a platonic gambol
4. Yes, Beyoncé has a great ass
5. Celebrities deserve a private life too

Let’s put an end to this kind of outrageous press intrusion.

Write to your local MP today!

Captain Midnight here, recovering after a slight mishap.

There it was on the kitchen table: half a bar of Green and Black’s best organic chocolate; 70% Cocoa. I’d watched Himself eat a bit and he’d clearly enjoyed it. He was busy on the computer nearby. Then someone came to the front door and he got up to speak to them.

Well. Really.

I’m not sure whether it was eating the chocolate I enjoyed most or shredding the wrapper on the living room carpet. Either way, Himself was not best pleased. I’d sort of expected that, but what I didn’t know was that eating chocolate makes you sick.

Suffice to say that half an hour later after a rather hectic car journey, the local vet shoved something unpleasant down my throat and pretty soon I was throwing up all over the place. They actually seemed pleased to find big lumps of undigested chocolate among the mess. I would have had a go at eating it again but they wouldn’t let me near it. Waste of good chocolate, I say.

I felt a bit woozy when we got home yesterday, but I’m fine now.

Himself told me he was sorry he’d left the chocolate lying around and that I’d had a narrow escape. Apparently chocolate is poison for dogs, especially the dark stuff. I heard him talking to Herself about it on the phone later.

“I expect Captain Midnight has learned his lesson,” she said.

“No, but I have,” said Himself. “Next time I’ll eat the lot.”

It wasn’t the most heartwarming response to a narrowly averted canine tragedy. But what can you expect in this class-ridden, doggist society?

It’s the same the whole world over,
It’s the poor what gets the blame,
It’s the rich what gets the pleasure,
Ain’t it all a blooming shame?